There’s been an interesting topic in the blogs of a couple of my friends recently, concerning honesty. If they form friendships with people who accept them 100% as women, should they admit that all is not as it appears to be?
By the time we get to the stage of living the female life ‘out in the real world’, rather than solely at transgender gatherings or in the security of our own homes, most of us have expended enormous effort, and probably spent a small fortune too, concealing or eradicating our masculinity. And I know that I’m far from being alone in thrilling when I’m addressed as ‘madam’, when men hold doors open for me, and when I chat with people who are blissfully unaware of my male origins. So, for me, the answer would be “Deny the past, keep quiet and enjoy it.” But, of course, I’m not looking to develop an intimate companionship. That really would be a more knotty dilemma.
The question of honesty does bug me, though, but for the opposite reason. Total transition is still an objective, not a reality. I live a double life in which my family, and most of my friends, know nothing of Angie. Over the next couple of weeks the subterfuge will reach its height as we welcome my brothers, my son and his wife, and my grandchildren to our home. I’m a good liar and will fulfil my role with love, skill and devotion, but all the time hurting because I look and feel ‘wrong’. There’ll be no perfume for me to unwrap on Christmas Day.
Whom to tell, and when, is not an easy decision. As my friend Jan reminds me, once told, such things cannot be un-told. But I’m beginning to realize that one person to whom I’m really being dishonest is me.
I have been having much the same conversation myself. I have got to the point where I just want everyone to know – good or bad. I have hidden all my life and I have found the burden ever heavier to carry. The secret has shaped my life and i want the freedom to be myself – something that others have taken for granted.
I can’t say I am looking forward to conversations with close relatives but I think the time is coming.
I wish you luck with whatever you decide.
Merry Christmas, Angie! I’m really sorry not to be looking in this year.
This question of honesty with oneself and others is a perennial one, that doesn’t go away. It’s not only intimate situations. It’s an issue even if you do the ordinary things in life. Recently I’ve been looking at keep-fit classes, and immediately you think of the social aspect. What if you make frends with several new people – women mainly of course – and these friendship gradually develop over time? The conversations are bound to get more and more personal, and then what do you tell, and what do you hold back? Or if you move house, and meet new locals who, willy nilly, you are going to see most days, your immediate neighbours in particular.
But family are something else again. I bet you wish that a magic wand could be waved – or that there was divine intervention – and everyone, adults and children, would suddenly have complete enlightenment and acceptance, with no fear that the family would be plunged into turmoil and split into pro-Angie or con-Angie factions.
I do feel for you this Christmas. It’ll be like wearing some heavy disguise, and of course it’ll need to be a good one. Done for the family, not for yourself. Self-sacrifice indeed. I hope that the effort will be understood and rewarded.
Lucy
Honesty they say is always the best policy but is it really? When we don’t reveal what we would like to it is for several reasons, fear of hurting those around us, of what people will say, of losing relationships, so we keep quiet. If it were a case of wanting to fully transition these factors have to be dealt with for there is no alternative but if we are still at the stage of indecision it is wiser to remain quiet. It is the price we pay. It shouldn’t be this way but unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world. If, Angela, you remain quiet for now you do it out of love. When the time comes for you to transition completely you can deal with what has to be done then. Be patient for now, it is wiser to hold back until the time is right. Enjoy your holiday with the family.
Shirley Anne xxx